Close Set Eyes and the Driving Test

For God’s sake, how hard can it actually be to pass a driving test? I mean, it’s not exactly rocket science. Even Lourda Kennefick got it, albeit, on her fifth attempt!  What? No, no, it’s not me doing the test, shure,I passed mine first go, years back, no, it’s Dolores. She’s actually failed the practical a whole NINE times which surely must be some sort of record. But like the trooper she is, she’s determined to crack it before she dies or before she’s too old to be insured, – whichever it is that comes first.

Of course, Dolores is right wicked over it. According to her, it’s all down to the driver tester not liking her. Knew the minute she set eyes on him, he was going to be trouble, she says. Smug little bastard with eyes set too close together and a small moustache. That’s how she described him. I mean, for God’s sake?

Well, the minute Peggy heard about the close set eyes she was off. She has told us over and over again in the years I’ve known her that anyone with close set eyes is not to be trusted. Then she tells us this story of how when she was a young one going to the dances she was doing  a line for a small while with a fella called Mickey Finn(I kid you not) whose eyes were very close together. Next thing she finds out, she says, the little fecker is throwing her over for a woman years older than himself with a farm of land and a large dowry. Honestly what a story about Peggy’s love life back in the year dot has to do with Dolores’s driving test in the present day, I have no idea! Jeez.Anyway, Peggy advises Dolores to change the venue from Gortmore where she’s failed nine times to Glenbower . This way, Peggy says, she’ll get a different tester who might look a little more favourably on a woman in her prime taking the test for the TENTH time.

So off Dolores goes this morning with Bridie all dolled up so’s you’d swear that they were going to a beauty pageant for the Over 50’s. You know, Dolores is so desperate now to get that test that she could do anything. She’d never bet her (false) eyelashes at him though, ah, surely not for God’s sake. Mind you, Dolores was brought up in the good old days when actresses got their big part on screen by sleeping with the casting director and batting her eyelashes(false) at the driving tester could well be seen to be Dolores’s version of the casting couch.

Well, I’m glad I’m not the one accompanying her into Glenbower and that’s for sure. I’ll wait here until they come home with the news and do you know, I’ll treat myself to a bottle of Stella Artois while I’m waiting. Shure, I could do worse and if it turns out that Dolores is unsuccessful, I’ll be much better able to deal with the fall out with a bottle of cider inside me.

So I drink and wait.

Continued next week.


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