Monthly Archives: February 2015

Peggy Goes Shopping

Peggy’s been my next door neighbour since I moved into the village of Sugar Hill over ten years ago. I take my hat off to her, she’s a marvellous for her age. Very little fazes her – for instance when I told her I was lesbian, she didn’t turn a hair. She has a few misgivings, mostly concerning my salvation. Her church, you see, says that people such as me are what Peggy calls ‘interestingly disordered’.

Of course, she says that being a lesbian is a new fad because back in her day she claims there were no such things as lesbians and gays. It’s pointless trying to argue with her on that score so I just ignore it. Lourda Kennefick claims she saw a lesbian in Ladies’ Beach in Ballybunion way back in 1967. Well, honestly,she would – that woman would claim anything for attention. By the way Peggy and herself have made up. Apparently the priest promised both of them that they could be Eucharistic Ministers for the upcoming Holy Communion. So now all that’s worrying them is their clothes for this important gig in the history of their church and there’s talk about nothing else but their wardrobe for the big day. Lourda is having tanning sessions below at the Heavenly Light Beauty Parlour – for all the good they’ll do her. I mean, tanning sessions, the woman has skin like vintage creased leather, going on a sunbed for Lourda is like pouring money down a drain.

Dolores and myself took Peggy into the city – there was nothing in the local towns that would suit her, she claimed. Honestly! Now taking Peggy into the city is not for the faint-hearted, I can assure you. She refuses to obey any traffic lights, ignores them completely, acts as if they’re not there at all. ‘Life is too short,’ she says ‘ to be hanging about waiting for bleddy lights to change’.  When I try to tell her that life could be considerably shorter if she doesn’t wait at the lights, she just shrugs her shoulders and sniffs. The woman has nerves of steel – she should just see her as she weaves in and out through the lines of cars. It puts the heart cross ways in me.Honestly for a woman her age, it’s seriously awesome.

After what seemed like hours, she bought a really nice grey suit and pink blouse. All she had to do then, she says is go up to Guineys to get her underwear. You should just see what passes for suitable underwear for Peggy. Think huge pink and blue bloomers that your granny used to wear and you’ll be near it. Well, when I think of Peggy up there at the altar in her lovely grey suit and those huge bloomers underneath, I have to pinch myself to stop laughing. I mean, they’re like tents, those knickers. Peggy herself is utterly unfazed – she says everyone should wear them and there’d be far less colds and flu about if they did.  She says she’s never in her life got a kidney infection and it’s all down to the bloomers apparently. Then, of course, we have the rant about today’s youngsters with their wisps of ‘throngs’ that wouldn’t give protection to a miniature mouse never mind fight off a kidney infection. Going around half naked will come back to haunt them in years to come, she says darkly and they’ll rue the day they didn’t cover up properly instead of going around half naked in all kinds of weather. ‘Believe you me,’ she cautions ‘you can count on it’.

I do believe her but I can tell you one thing, I still wouldn’t be seen dead in them pink and bluer tents, so I wouldn’t.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The Driving Test. Part Two

Well, you wouldn’t want to be there when the two came home. I thought Dolores had burst a blood vessel or something she had such a red head on her. I was inside at Peggy’s having a coffee when they arrived. You could hear the revving of the car about two minutes before we saw Dolores parking it outside in the street. Well, I knew by the blackguarding with the car and the two wicked heads of them when they emerged that their mission was unsuccessful. Peggy herself gave one look out the window and announced she was off  to make a good strong pot of Barry’s ‘It surely looks like we’ll need it,’ she says before disappearing into the kitchen.

I’ve remarked on it before but when Dolores is in a temper she has a tongue that would bring blushes to the cheeks of a sailor. I mean, I don’t even know half the swears and oaths that she comes out with. Anyway, in they came with two right wicked looking heads on them and Dolores starts off before she has even a foot inside the door. Poor Bridie looked like a rabbit caught in the headlamps of a car because of course, she had to listen to Dolores all the way home. And now, she was to hear it all again as Dolores proceeds to enlighten Peggy and myself as to what happened above in Glenbower.

Fair play to Peggy though, for a woman in her eighties, she has all her wits about her.’ Hould it, hould it’ says she ’until I bring out the tea and then you can tell us all about it, Dolores’. Well, Dolores looks right put out but you know, she does close her mouth and sits down by the kitchen fire. Bridie looks shell-shocked like she’s had a glimpse of hell and is digesting how awful it is. Thankfully, before you could say driving test, here’s Peggy out with a tray and four large mugs of tea on it. And the smell alone of paddy whiskey emanating from the mugs would intoxicate you. The woman must have poured it in liberally as she rightly figures we’re going to need it if we’re to survive Dolores’s ordeal.

Well, I took two large gulps of the tea and could feel the warmth going down my body and after another gulp, I was in a lovely cocoon that nothing Dolores might say would affect me in the slightest. I’ve said it before that Peggy must be the cutest woman in the village, bursting with brains in fairness to her.

Anyway, Dolores gives one sniff of the mug of tea and swallows it whole. The woman doesn’t even pause for breath but holds out her mug for a refill. It’s then we hear all about her test inside in Glenbower. According to her it was not her fault that she flunked the test for the eleventh time. When she arrived at the driving test centre, who comes out to greet her but your man that has already failed her ten times below in Gortmore. Well, we could not believe the woman’s bad luck. How could you? I mean, who would have thought the tester would have been redeployed from Gortmore.

Our mouths are almost falling open as she continues her story. Well, Dolores said he gave one look at her and his face went puce. I mean, I assume the poor man thought he was seeing things, coming face to face with his nemesis when he thought she was safely down in Gortmore. To be honest, I felt dead sorry for him. It was obvious that he’d had the same thought as Dolores, apply for a transfer to a different centre and get away from some old faces who gives you nothing but abuse when they don’t pass the test. Well, that’s what you do if you’re Dolores anyway. Shure, the woman is her own worst enemy. Peggy’s right – if she may keep her mouth shut and concentrate on her driving, she’d have passed the test long’go.

When Peggy says this, Dolores gives her a look that was bad enough to kill and told her to shut her mouth until she heard the whole fecking story and on she goes with the saga. Apparently he gives one look at Dolores and says ‘I didn’t expect to see you here’. Well, Dolores said that when he said that she knew her goose was cooked and they’d only be going through the motions, that no matter what she did, she wouldn’t get the test that day. She swears that going down a one way- street had nothing at all to do with it. She said she never knew there were so many bleddy one -way streets in Glenbower. She goes on to tell us that people have no road manners – that all she got going down the one way street was a litany of abuse and bad language – it completely threw her she said and after that she could do nothing right, she even made a mess of the three point turn and in fairness, she’s well able to do that.

I’m feeling so mellow that I almost miss the next bit. Bridie finally gets her act together and starts to talk – of course it would be far better if she were to remain silent. ‘You bleddy fool of a woman,’ she all but screams at Dolores ‘ failing the bleddy test is one thing but to attack the driver tester just for failing it is the height of lunacy.’

What, what did she do to the tester?

She only ups and pushes him back so far that he’s nearly bent double over the car, whips his book off him, tears it into tiny pieces and informs him that he can stick the pieces where the monkey stuck the nuts. Jeez. I look at Dolores’s big bold face and Bridie’s big red one and reach for another mug of tea.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized