Monthly Archives: June 2015

Peggy Recovers from the Canvass

Well, it’s taken Peggy nearly a fortnight now to recover from her exploits on the canvass –it nearly killed her and she says that there are an awful lot of quare hawks out there. As well as being kept prisoner in her car by four huge dogs at one house, she was mistaken for a TV inspector in another. ‘There was this house way up in the back of beyonds’, she said and the place was so lonesome and isolated that she was nearly afraid to come out and do her bit for YES for Equality. There were bits of old cars scattered everywhere and tyres and parts of machines thrown all over the place. Still, she thought, she was here now so she might as well get on with it. So out she gets, carefully looking around in case there’s any dogs about to put in an appearance but no, she’s safe and breathes a sigh of relief.

As she goes up the path, she can hear the theme music from the 9 o clock news and suddenly before she’s time to knock on the door even, this big hairy man comes out. He’s only wearing a vest over a pair of dirty jeans and he has a massive tattoo of a harp on his right arm. Well, Peggy says, before she can even say hello, he folds his arms in front of her and says in a low growl. ‘We have no television in this house, missus’

Well, Peggy is gobsmacked and a bit slow on the uptake. Because of course he thinks that she’s a TV inspector but she doesn’t twig this at all yet. So Peggy, being her usual abrasive self, says, without thinking about it like, ‘Are you raving mad, man? Shure, that’s a television that I can see through the window and isn’t that Eileen Dunne on the 9 o clock news?’

When your man hears this, he pushes nearer to her and sort of shoves his face into hers and says ‘I’m telling you now and I’m not telling you again, we have no television in this house and whatever you think you see, you’re imagining it because there’s nothing to see in this house, do you hear me now.’ Next thing, he gives a roar into the house nearly knocking Peggy with the volume of it. He says something like ‘Mickeen, come on out here now,’

Next thing Peggy sees is another gorilla emerging through the front door, only this one is holding a shotgun and it’s pointing straight at her and then the two gorillas say together in a kind of mantra’ We have no telly in the house, now feck off about your business’.

Well, Peggy says, she looked at the two of them there in front of her and she reckons she’s seen better specimens above in Dublin Zoo but she’s not about to argue the toss with them so for once, she does what she’s told and turns around and fecks off back to the car. When she’s driving down the boreen, she looks in her rear view mirror and there the two boyos still are with their shotgun raised staring after her as she drives out onto the road. There’s naught as queer as folks alright.


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